Recently I have felt more confident and controlled than ever. I feel comfortable for the first time. It is becoming increasingly rare for me to feel lost or helpless. Today, though, I had a bit of a crisis. It wasn’t the normal panic, but rather a sense of uselessness and uncertainty.
I’m not sure exactly what the trigger was, so I’m hoping I can figure it out as I type. Basically, I thought I was going to respond to a text with encouragement and solid, logical advice. Instead, I was smacked upside the noggin with this feeling that anything I offered wouldn’t be enough. Then I thought that I was not enough. I spiraled deeper and deeper into the depths of inadequacy for hours, where I wallowed in my own self-pity. I began to compare myself to others. Doctors, nurses, people who work out, people with hefty checking accounts, et cetera. Each of these only made me feel worse.
Fast forward a few hours. My self-image was distorted like one of those carnival mirrors that stretches you out into a seven foot pear. I felt broken and useless, despite about two hours of the deepest praise and encouragement I’ve ever received. Then after some time, something just clicked. I finally realized that I’m in a good place, and I got here by pulling myself out of the gutter. I remembered that I have done things that I never thought I could handle on my own. I recognized that I have so many people who love and support me that I can’t possibly be the pile of nothing that I kept telling myself I was.
They say that everybody has something that makes them special. I don’t know what my “thing” is. Maybe I’ll never be able to pin it, and I think that’s something I can come to terms with. I ended today more determined than ever to see myself in the best light. I hope to develop what I can, and accept what I can’t. It may take some time, but at least I can start tomorrow knowing that I have a purpose.
Thank you to a number of people who texted me at just the right time today. I needed that.
The Battle 