The Fear

This post is 100% for me. I’m really struggling tonight. I feel alone. And while I normally like to have time by myself, this is different. I can’t even put it into words. It feels heavy. I feel the urge to reach out to people but I keep scaring myself out of action. I don’t want to push anyone away. I just feel abandoned. Like I’m just left by myself. I know in my consciousness that that’s not the case, but I can’t talk myself out of this feeling. It doesn’t make any sense. I’m so afraid of this happening for real that my brain just decided to create this scenario. I was just unoccupied and bored, so of course it would be fun to irrationally perceive that everybody gave up on me, despite mounds of conflicting evidence. This isn’t even functional. I’ve been abandoned. I’ve been ignored. Imagining it happening again isn’t protective. It doesn’t prepare me for the worst case scenario. It just makes me feel bad. It makes my arms feel weighted and my head hurt. It makes me fidget and pace. It makes me wonder “what if?” as though this could ever actually happen. I know all of this, yet I sit here, feeling alone, and letting myself believe that I really am. Fuck this.

*I wrote this, and wasn’t sure that I wanted to publish it. After sitting back and reading it a few times, I actually feel a lot better. I decided after like 20 minutes, that maybe I better keep this on record. Also, I realized that I’m pretty good at solving Rubik’s cubes when my hands need to be doing something and I can type much faster than I had previously thought.

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