The Unknowing

Why my biggest fear is myself

It’s difficult going through each day and not knowing what to expect from yourself. I can always assume that I’ll have some nagging intrusive thoughts, but when they’ll pop up and how I’ll handle them are impossible to predict. That’s the scariest part for me: how is this going to affect my day?

Many times I can stay focused on my work, or reading, or just daydream and make everything how I want it. But every so often I go down this rabbit hole of worst-case scenarios and self-loathing. It never makes sense. It’s never rational, which frustrates me to no end! I have gotten better at identifying such these moments, but dealing with them and moving on is so difficult.

Yesterday I was having a really good day. I had completed all of my paperwork, I had read some interesting articles, I was feeling amazing. Then after writing my last post, I immediately questioned if I should have. I was able to stop there. I acknowledged my worries, put my phone away, and continued on. The rest of the day went smoothly. I even made it to the gym, which was way more crowded than I like, but I endured.

On my way home though, I asked myself a question that scared the hell out of me. I’m in my car, peaceful and relaxed an my chemically imbalanced brain whispers What if I just crashed? And instantly I just freaked out. Like, what the hell? Why would I think that? How does that make any sense? Then it was like nothing happened. *Disclaimer: I don’t intend to harm myself in any way. It was a passing moment and I know it’s ridiculous.*

I’m not afraid of criticism or judgement, because nobody can tell me something I haven’t already told myself. Besides heights and any biting or stinging bugs, the things I fear the most are the situations that I make up. I’m afraid of letting people down. I’m afraid of embarrassing myself. I’m afraid that being afraid is going to isolate me from the people I care about. These thoughts may never go away, and I know that. But if I can learn to redirect myself, maybe all I’ll have to fear is those footlong, bird eating spiders and falling down the mountain the next time I go skiing in Wyoming. And this, my friends, is a hell of a goal.