This one is hard to write. I had my second session today, and it made me more uncomfortable than any situation ever has. This was a period of reflection, of understanding, of the deepest pain I have ever felt in my life. This was the day that I realized how many disasters I have caused for myself. This was the day that I recognized how many horrible situations I could have avoided had I been more aware of my feelings.
I started like any other day. I woke up, felt good, got ready for work. Then a client cancelled, and I had the whole day off. Great! I went to check out some other jobs so I can finally get a bit of consistency. I went to the gym, showered, and headed to the office still feeling pretty great.
As we got into the session, I actually started to warm up to the therapist. He realized that I knew some things, and he stopped acting like a total dick. I still don’t like him, but we’ll manage. We talked about my current symptoms and coping strategies, then moved into my family history. I thought this was going to be the hardest part. I experienced a lot as a kid, and none of it was easy. I was prepared for a breakdown right then. I thought for sure it was coming. Even though I’ve talked about it a million times, I never feel comfortable with any of it. But today I was fine. I answered everything without feeling much of anything. I was relieved. It felt like genuine progress.
I’m sitting there all smug, when this guy asks me about this new relationship. At first I was so excited. I’m like bouncing in my seat, talking so fast, not stopping for air. Then out of nowhere this shitty sad feeling takes over. I haven’t talked to this girl in days. I mean, I’ve talked. I just haven’t been answered.
This girl goes to school, works, volunteers, works some more, always has something planned. Consciously I know all of this, and I’ve known for a week that there would be no communication this week. Still though, it’s been hard. I need somebody now, and I can’t go there. And while I know that it’s not personal, it’s not about me, it’s not my fault, I can’t stop feeling like there’s something I can be doing better. So I called and texted and I caught myself being really fucking annoying this morning.
So I’m telling the therapist all of this, and when he starts talking again all I can think about is the times before when I did the same thing. I would get insecure, I would get annoying, then I would push them away and get upset when they left. Now I know, the right people would have stuck by me. They would have supported me, and these clearly weren’t the right people. But I still wonder how things could have been different. What if I was confident in myself? What if I trusted people to love me and be there for me? What would change if I wasn’t the problem?
This moment was awful. It made me feel worthless. I wanted to apologize to everybody, but I’m much too smart to go calling up my exes. I’ve made that mistake before! As the day went on, the feeling weakened, but it’s still sort of there. It’s a weird kind of guilt, kind of vague but still very ominous. It’s not all gloomy and sad, though. I also have this determination to do better. I have concrete goals and a plan to reach them now, though I will gladly take any advice.